Razor Blades

Today was very peaceful. It was chilly, cloudy, and rainy outside, so there weren't many customers.

The customers that did come in were looking for ponchos, which we ran out of early. There also seemed to be a game somewhere; more people than usual needed spray-on hair dye and ponchos.

When I got in at 9am, my boss runs up to me, yells "I have to see you in the office, now!" I rush in to see what kind of trouble I had gotten myself into. He grins at me sideways, and says he has two big projects for me. I have to stock a special delivery. (No problem.) And I have to go through the whole store and scrape the pieces of ad stickers off the price tag strips. With a razor blade.
"Be very careful. This is serious work. Please don't cut your fingers off." my boss says to me.
I'm on it chief. I had hoped to be done with it sooner than I was. But I would have gone a lot faster if I hadn't had to spend so much time adjusting the current ad stickers. The best part of the whole ordeal was near the end, when my boss says,
"I'll give you this, though. You are very thourough. You did a good job."
I look at him sideways to see if he is fucking with me.
"No, I'm serious. I'm not going to name names, but the other person I had do this skipped, like, four aisles."
"You don't need to name names. I know who you're talking about. Thanks for noticing my work."

I think we're ready for inventory. Although I can't be sure.
I know that I'm ready to shop at another store if I need to, because I finally printed out my paycheck stub. It took me a minute to get to the page, and for a moment I thought I forgot my password again. My boss comes in, yelling:
"You've got to be kidding me?! Did you forget the password again? You have to choose something that you'll remember! If I have to reset this password one more fucking time...I can't keep doing this for you!"
While he is yelling, I retype my password in. And I got to the page I needed.
"You got in?! Are you kidding me?! Thank God! Try to remember it next time, will you?"
I got this.

Can I Help You?

An older, overweight, probably Assyrian guy comes to my register. We make eye contact briefly, because he is only a little taller than me. I say,
"Good morning."
"Can I help you?"
"Can you help me? I was going to ask you that."
"What can I help you with?"
"You can't help me with anything. You are at my counter. Can I help you with something?"
"You want to help me?"
"Not particularly, but you are at my counter. Did you need something?"
"Yes. A pack of Marlboro Lights 100's."
"Ok then. Marlboro Lights 100's. Here you go."
What the hell was that? Was he trying to play mind games with me? This is my damn counter. 'Can you help me?' Can I help you, dickwad? Thus began my morning.

Apologies

I am so sorry for what I have done.

I hope this thing doesn't get me fired.

But before it does, I would like to say that a group of Elders from the Church of Latter Day Saints came in. They looked a little young to be elders. And they bought 1-day CTA passes and then milled around in the condom, pregnancy test, and lube aisle.

Happy Memorial Day!

Today was pretty relaxed. There was no COS notes, so I worked on Hallmark today, and I feel pretty ok about the inventory people coming in. 

I bought two new Arizona drinks: the Virgin Cocktail Pina Colada and Golden Bear Lemonade with Strawberry. They were 2/$1. And I got my Zero Alcohol Listerine mouthwash (with a bonus little one) for $3.99. ($3.39 with my discount). I had a Listerine $1 off coupon and a store coupon for 99 cents off. So I paid $2.64 for my two drinks and mouthwash. And I got a $1 back for a future purchase. 

Sixth Day

I'll make this short and sweet since my computer is on the fritz.

My boss said I was moving too slow, then he talked to me like I was slow. If he does it again, we'll have to talk.

I cleaned up other people's messes.

I listened to the idiotic chatter of the boys on staff.

I was super-pissed and upset for much of the day. But then I had a little chat with one of my faves and felt better.

Some woman farted in aisle one, prohibiting my work.

The farter said I should be happy to have a job, since so many people are out of work. I told her I often hate this job, but I am grateful I am employed. My gratitude level was at a minimum today, but yes, I am happy I am employed.

Self-Indulgence and Government Cheese

It has come to my attention that more of my coworkers are reading this blog. Or perhaps one of my coworkers is reading it more frequently. Either way, I'm happy. Also, I might have inspired one to start her own. Very good.

This woman with her baby in tow was purchasing some Sprite, Cheetos, and a bunch of baby food. She asked how she gets cash back from her Link card if she now gets cash benefits. I told her the swipe machine will prompt her, but all she can get back is $20. $40 if she wants me to split up her purchases.
"Oh, thats it? I wanted to get $150 back so I could buy my baby some new shoes."
"$150? No, I don't think our register could handle that. That won't work."
What I meant to say was 'I'm sorry that you think it is appropriate to buy $150 shoes for a child who probably doesn't even know what he is wearing, and who will outgrow them in approximately six months.' Normally I don't do too much judging on people's purchases (God forbid people judge me on my excessive candy purchases), but I believe that if you are on government aid, you should not be spending said aid on $150 shoes for a baby. However, perhaps the $150 would have been spent over several shoes. Although I doubt it.

The ma and children family who have become my regulars came in today. The boy is still covered in bed bug or flea bites (or maybe its' a rash). And the mom was purchasing juice boxes for everyone, but one of the juice boxes was puffy. Which I'm pretty sure is a sign that it is spoiled. She either didn't notice, didn't know, or didn't care. But I do, so I had her go get another one. The last thing that family needs is juice poisoning.

There was a whole bunch of other tidbits I wanted to write about, and now I can't remember them. I knew I should have written them down on one of those crazy lists I make while I'm at the front.

So Delicious

I just noticed my store has started carrying So Delicious, which is soy ice cream. As a person who associates with vegans and enjoys vegan products herself, this is a very exciting new product situation. We also now carry gellato. Which I am not as excited about.

Today I bought a big (13 oz) Starbucks Frappacinco. Mocha, of course. I also bought three boxes of Puffs Facial Tissue (200 sheets), a 14 oz bag of Sour Patch Kids and a 14 oz bag of Swedish Fish. I had a 25-cent-off-three Puffs coupon, a $1-off-two candy coupon, a store coupon for the Starbucks to make it $2 (before my discount) and a $5-only-at-my-store coupon. I paid $4.30 for the whole purchase. Which comes out to less than a dollar for each item. Pretty freakin' exciting, I think.

"Return in Camera"

Despite my love of coupons, I forgot to scan at least three today. One was a store coupon, right above the other one I typed in, in our store paper. The other was an in-store coupon that the guy didn't mention so it wasn't really my fault. And the third was for some cereal. I told the woman I could only take one of her cereal coupons and she chose one, and I left the other on the counter without scanning. All of these people I had to send to the camera counter to have my manager adjust their total and give them the difference. And, surprisingly, I felt bad about all three non-scans. Luckily they weren't for the same person.

Warm Sundays

With the warm and hot weather coming, we get ready for more customers and IC3s. My coworker and I were ready for a lot of people, which would make the day fly by. And that did not happen. Sadly. She obviously jinxed us.

Dads and Grads

I got a card display from FedEx the other day, and today was the day I decided to build it. I had built one for Mother's Day, with the help of the Beauty Advisor. So I figured it shouldn't be too hard. Now, I don't know if I was just feeling particularly slow this morning, or if my coworker in my aisle was interfering, but I could not build this damn thing. My coworker was convinced that the magnified image of the clip was actually a third clip, and she wanted to know where I put it. It took me a minute to explain to her it was just a magnification. So here I am, in my Hallmark aisle, trying to stuff these two plastic clips in cardboard slots where they obviously don't go, and I am trying to avoid the sympathetic stare from the guy at the front, and I am trying to avoid the chatter from my coworker unnecessarily in my aisle. I am getting real frustrated and pretty agitated. I thought I read the directions sufficiently, but given the progress I have made, that is obviously not the case. I get so frustrated, I take the in-pieces display back to the stock room. Then I buy two Ghiradelli bars (2/$3 and I have a $1-off-two coupon). I hang out in the stock room for a while, eating Ghiradelli squares and rearranging Hallmark boxes. I decided to take another shot at it. I reread the entire direction sheet and suddenly figure out what I've been doing wrong. I put the side panels in first. After that, everything comes together, and I've built this thing in under five minutes. I take a picture of it, stock it, and drag it to the area near the front door.
So heres' to Ghiradelli, taking a step back, and reading directions. Go me.

Vegetarian Sushi and Parrots

Two very exciting things happened today.
1) A coworker bought me vegetarian sushi.
2) A guy came in with a parrot on his shoulder.
Details:
1) Apparently my coworker still felt bad about being a bitch last week because on her first fifteen she went over to the grocery store and bought me a container of vegetarian "sushi". Avacado, cabbage, and carrots wrapped in lettuce, wrapped in rice paper. It came with some sweet and sour sauce, which I dripped on my fushia shirt. It was delicious, not only because it was a welcome change from my usual pb+j but also because it signified her remorse.
2) While in the Hallmark aisle, I hear a voice that sounds like a voice box speaking. I thought someone who had their throat ripped out by a dog or had smoked too much and had to have a replacement voice box put in, was at the register. I know someone like that, so I looked up. To see a young guy getting cigarettes with a big, green parrot on his shoulder! What?! I stop what I am doing to ear hustle and watch. An older lady in a pink jacket and a pink hat came by to ask him a lot of questions. Apparently he paid $1,500 for the bird, who is now worth twice that. He has carefully trained him, but the bird is having a really bad day today. Still, the bird let the woman pet him. Apparently, the bird loves mashed potatoes with cheese, and a block of cheese the size of a pack of cigarettes would last him five days. It only cost about $5 a month to feed the bird, because the owner lets him eat his leftovers. The owner's name is Hunter.
After the guy left, I rung up an older couple and they asked if I had seen them before. I said I may have seen the guy before and didn't remember, but I absolutely have never seen that bird before. Our sign outside says we don't allow dogs besides the service kind, but we don't say anything about birds.

Yellow

Being the narcissist that I am, I was reading some of my old posts. And I have concluded, like many of the other folks who have read my blog, that I am in fact hilarious.
I also look great in yellow, it seems. I wouldn't think so, because I am so pale the blueness of my veins show through. And I have thought that wearing yellow would reflect on my near-translucent skin and make me look jaundiced. But that is not the case, thank you very much. Which is fabulous because I find yellow and pink to be very cheerful colors. And I like to wear them because God knows we need some cheer at work. Anyway, today I wore my hair in a high ponytail secured with a pink elastic. I wore a wide bright yellow terry-cloth headband, yellow with white polka-dot earrings, and a yellow with white-polka dot shirt. The shirt is "new", I'm pretty sure it is a child's shirt. It has about six buttons, ruffling at the short sleeves, and a collar that I tried to pop. I got more compliments about all my yellow than I ever would have expected. Even from the manager. Who I thought was making fun of me, but it turns out he was not.

I unwrapped the entire set of Father's Day cards. And I found a 'from the cat' card I really like.

An older gentleman with a maroon polo and one arm was standing around in my aisle looking slightly bewildered.
"Did you need help?"
He looked at me, and with a sideways grin, replied,
"Do I need help? Oh yeah, I need a lot of help."
With a grin and a giggle,
"Let me rephrase. Do you help regarding the cards in my aisle? You look a little stressed."
"Oh, well... I would just like a birthday card for my daughter. Do you have something that would work?"
As we are looking at the daughter-birthday cards he mentions that his daughter loves dogs. I am elated. I love our dog cards. I help him sort through the dumb-dog ones, and then point him over to my favorite 99 cent card. It is a little dauchund with a party hat and two red balloons on long strings tied to his ears. He looks excited to be there and the helium in the balloons is lifting his long dog-ears up. I forgot what the inside says because the front is so fantastic it is distracting. So I tell him
"I have been waiting for a birthday so I can give someone this card. Look how happy he is to be there! He is so cute! This is my favorite card. But we also have a few other dog ones in this section as well as the 'daughter, i love you more than I thought I could' cards in the section behind you."
I head over to the mushy and non-dog cards, and we have a moment where he has turned the opposite way from me and has to do a full circle to find me again. He has picked up a yappy-dog-with-a-party-hat card and settles on that one. And he warmly thanks me for my help. Which I appreciated.

Earlier today I helped a women with a blinding pick shirt (my kinda lady) and bright pink lipstick look for a get well card. A sympathy card was placed in a get-well slot and she let me know that although this gentleman is old he isn't dead yet. Luckily, price wasn't an issue, so I was able to look at our full selection. I first picked out a "prayer for you" with a flying religious bug on the front. That didn't seem classy enough. So I pointed her to a burnt orange "my thoughts are with you, get-well soon" card. The message seemed heartfelt, and it was classy and sincere, but simple. She also thanked me warmly.

Is there a profession that involves helping people pick out cards? I got a lot of satisfaction from those two interactions. Maybe I could make my own cards.

The Various Annoyances in My WorkLife

Me and two other women pestered this guy almost incessantly for not inviting us to his Birthday party.

My manager made a comment on my candy intake, which was totally unwelcome and unprofessional on his part.

I just took down Mother's Day cards and I put up Father's Day and Graduation cards. Hallmark has three seasons: Spring, Fall, and Christmas.

I do not respond well to cases of Gatorade on my Hallmark boxes. But I do find the big, sweaty guy in my Hallmark/Coke room hilarious.

Dias De La Madres

"Are these the only cards you have?"
These are the only cards I have left. Which is why half the aisle is empty. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
"Is this the only card aisle you have?"
The other card aisle is actually located between card number 3 and card number 4. But you have to run really fast into it to make sure you get in.
"$6.99 for a Mother's Day card? Are they serious? Do you have any 99 cent Mother's Day cards?"
I probably did. But we do not anymore.
"Do you have any Mother's Day cards for my baby momma, who is not my wife?"
We totally should, but I'm pretty sure we do not.

"Where are the Mother's Day cards?"

Could you please pay some fucking attention so you can see the astounding amount of pink and the word 'mother'. Those two things might give you a hint about the location of the cards you need. 

"This is a terrible selection! Is this all you have?"
You might be able to find more or possibly better cards at the Hallmark store, or any other store. Please leave my aisle, your negative energy is interfering with my work ethic.

On My Way To Work

On my walk to work, I have seen the following items: an opened Gold Magnum Condom wrapper, a smooshed can of Steel Reserve (the big'un, but I don't think they come in any other size. Steel Reserve is drunk for only one reason.) and a dead, featherless, not-fully-formed baby bird. I have also found a dollar. And I have seen needles and needle caps in our parking lot. There are also unclaimed coupon and ad paper handouts scattered on people's lawns. I have yet to pick them up.

I was pretty tired most of the day. And the guy below District Manager but above Store Manager came in and told us how to rearrange our store. Apparently we are doing pretty great. But we need to up our sales in general, and ring more in Cosmetics. And according to him, people continue to shop at our store because of me and the interaction and customer service they get there. Which is why I need to encourage people to call the number on the receipt, and rate us with all 9's. Us meaning me. It was actually kind of a nice conversation, but I was a little high-strung, as usual. I thought all his questions were trick ones.

I learned, sort-of anyway, how to mark stuff down for the clearance rack. Which is totally a perfect job for me. And yes, I do grab items to hoard behind or under the registers for a later purchase, possibly involving a coupon.

I ordered a new helium tank today. Even though I think our current one was emptied too quickly. Which leads me to believe we have a huffer on the loose. Or a bunch of dum-dums who play with helium tanks. Or possibly I fill up (and refill) more balloons than I thought.

I look forward to my weekends.

The Newest Guy

The new guy showed up at 11:30. He came to the register halfway through my lunch. Another coworker of mine was already training him, but my boss wanted me to train him. I mostly stood around, troubleshooting. He did pretty good. It felt kind of weird being up at the register, but doing almost nothing. The good news is, the day passed by pretty quickly.

Big Red Freak Out!

All of a sudden I heard a yell from somewhere near the photo department. At first I thought it was the H.P.S having a freak out about something, until the second scream comes. The screamer is most definitely a feminine-sounding man. His yelling/screaming is so intense, but through it I can understand that he is upset because the Big Red pop was kind of hidden by the Nehi, Tahitian Treat, and R.C. He is screaming,
"I couldn't find the fucking Big Red! That is the best kind of pop there is and you hid it! I couldn't find it and it's all your fault! You should be fired! I couldn't find it and you should be fired!"
While screaming this is he limping around and pushing his old-person shopping cart. He got two two-liters of Big Red. He gets to my register (but at this point I'm supposed to be in the Hallmark aisle. I was just answering an IC3). And he starts the rant all over. I was getting super-pissed, because I don't care how disabled or ill you are, no one yells at me like that. So in the middle of his sentence, I throw up my hand and walk away. I apologize to the girl at the front and tell her I can't handle it.
After he left, my manager was making fun of me for being a little freaked out.
I headed over to the pharmacy to let them know that I do not like this guy now either. Before I did, because he bought lollipops for Friday and Saturday night only (he couldn't eat them any other time) and he didn't smoke so he would have milk money. He apparently has had a couple of freak-outs at pharmacy (this week) and I bonded with two of the pharmacists (and a tech) over our mutual dislike and discomfort regarding this gentleman. Code Big Red!

A Minefield of Old People

A little girl and possibly her grandmother came to my register. Previously I had seen this girl lick the pillar in aisle four. She had a peculiar haircut; bangs down to her eyebrows, short until her ears, then down to her shoulders in the back and on the sides behind her ears. When they came to my register, she was still wearing her pink sunglasses.
"Today is my birthday." She says quietly.
"It is?! That's fantastic!" I exclaim. She grins at my excitement.
"Did you get those pretty sunglasses for your birthday, or are you wearing them because they look awesome?"
Her grandma(?) says she has taken a liking to them recently. We chatter a little more, and when she turns around to look at the candy, I notice she has flowery embroidery across her shoulders, plus two pockets a little farther down.
"Did you know your shirt is on backwards?"
"It looks better that way."
"Oh it does? Ok, that could be true."
Her grandma looks at my and shrugs as if to say, "I noticed it was on backwards, and there is nothing I can do." Before she actually said that I said,
"Sometimes my outfit is askew, and I like it when people tell me."
We bid our farewells and I wish her a Happy Birthday once again.

I had a minefield of old people by my register and the front door. They were parked there in their wheelchairs, with all their packages around them. There is a bus that comes in and drops them off, then picks them up when they're done. There are only two helpers for about eight old and slightly disabled people. But whenever I ring these folks up, I tell them the total, I ask them how they want their stuff bagged, and I hand them their change and receipts. They always seem surprised because I bet other cashiers ignore them or are irritated with them, even with their helpers are there. One of their helpers is a quick-moving Asian woman who seems a little overworked and irritated. The other person is meek and soft-spoken Jewish guy. He hunches over slightly, and seems to have a bit of anxiety. Although I did see him button his lady's coat. Misaligned, but she didn't notice and thanked him anyway.

A seldom-coworker was impressed with my couponing skills. He said if I totaled it all up, I probably save $20,000 a year. He works at a bank, too, so he should know. That was the best compliment I heard all day.

Retirement and Balloons

I ordered balloons today, and apparently I will never be allowed to order them again. I ordered a set of Retirement balloons so I could buy one for my stepma, and I ordered several variety packs. And I threw in some fun extra balloons. My total was $65.66, and any order over $50 we get free shipping. But when my manager came in to double check he asked what was wrong with me, ordering a $25 set of balloons. He said we'll have them forever. Obviously he should have given me some price guidelines before leaving me alone.

The best thing to happen today was seeing the woman who I replaced in the Hallmark aisle. I found her in aisle 7 and she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. She gave me her number and address so I could stop by and visit her. (No pop-ins!) And she says you have to order over $50 of balloons to get the best deal.

I was difficult to customers who may or may not have deserved in. My temper rose and fell at an alarming rate. And I'm still agitated and one coworker in particular.

I applied for a shift leader position. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

AND my ex-manger came in to do some pull-outs today and we chatted it up. I miss her!

Non-sequiters From My Manager

"Look at her. She has to eat a lot of M&M's to get over that."- said by my manager after I told him I was busy emotionally eating and after my coworker said something mean.

I approach him with minutes left in my shift. I need him to sign himself into the Telzon so I can order some cards. I would sign myself in, but my name expired and no one wants to give me a new one on account of how frequently I forget passwords. Anyway, as I'm handing him the Telzon he says
"I wish I was living in the 40's. 1944, to be exact. And I would want to be old enough to know what's going on. The 40's seem like a good time. Good music, the people are better...it would just be better."
"I feel like the medical fields might be lacking somewhat."
"What medical? They didn't have all those cancers and shit. Most medical was home remedies and shit. Look at you, Ms. Medical over here."
"Uh, ok."
"Or maybe I would like to be in my twenties in the 60's." He puts his thumb and forefinger up to his mouth in the universal pot-smoking gesture." Maybe get high. Like 'heeeyyyy, man. This is some great music.' You know?"
"Right. Could you just sign me in?"

I'm at the front door, waiting for a bag-check. I am taking inventory on people, so when he finally comes up I say, "Its' going to be getting busier in here, on account of the weather. It gets warm and people want to come out and shop."
"Yeah, especially all these fucking kids."
"Yeah, straight from school..."
"All these fucking kids, stealing all the time."
"Not all of them."
"All these fucking kids, with their hats. They take half my aisle...."
He walked away, so I didn't catch the last part, but I'm pretty sure it was hilarious. I yelled out "Bye!" to a few on crew and finally went home.

Pop and Hallmark

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my coworkers for the state of the pop room. Hallmark has obviously taken over and I am having trouble containing the outbreak. There are too many boxes that are filled with overstock, and my bays are filled as well. Also, there are too many Father's Day and Graduation cards. But there are not enough balloons. I meant to order them today, and then I realized I wasn't really sure how and our manager had already left.
When I went into the room today I had to climb over and on several 12-packs. I understand the frustration and possible confusion regarding that space. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will be taken off one and put back in that aisle. I will do my best to accomadate all the needs that room must fulfill. And for the record, that room is frustrating for myself as well. Still, I apologize. Can you ever forgive me?!

Peelies and Body Piercings

I was in a good mood when I got to work, and I continued to stay in one even though L.P made an appearance. I rung a seemingly nice older couple... and I actually ran when I was doing a price check for them. They come back in a tell me that I made a mistake, that I (purposely, obviously) rung up the nasal spray wrong. While they were doing a return, they tell the H.P.S and manager that the thing in my lip is disgusting and that I am irresponsible and shouldn't be at the front of the store. I don't usually get offended by comments like that, although I rarely get "disgusting". That comment actually hurt my feeling, even second-hand. I was telling my coworkers about how hurt I was, and somehow we ended up talking about herpes. Well, she was talking about herpes and I was talking about my feelings.

A regular comes in and says he wants to see where the line of inappropriate vs. appropriate comments is. But he bought me a Hershey bar and then I stopped listening.

This guy I'm ringing up asks how my day is going so I tell him some previous guy bought me a candy bar, so obviously my day is goin' ok. He asks if I want another one, and I say yes because I very rarely turn down candy and because I am trying to sell those suggestive sale candy bars. And because I do yoga six days a week and I'm feeling pretty good about myself. And I love candy.

A register broke down today. High stress. And I had some problems setting up a Mother's Day card display.

The Ghiradelli bars are 2/$3 and I found some new flavors (Sea Salt with Almonds, Coconut Flakes) and those bars had 50 cent peelies. The Biore face/pore strips are on sale for $7.99 and I had a coupon for a free face wash with purchase of the strips. I paid $10 something for three Ghiradelli bars and some Biore. I saved $17. Decent.

P.S. One of my all-time fave coworkers comes in unexpectedly. Apparently his school year is over, so he'll be at work more. Yea!

P.P.S I am aware that body modification is a choice, therefore I shouldn't be offended when other people don't like it. When a person has multiple tattoos and piercings, that person should expect comments and looks. And I have gotten them both.